The vision – open letter to my father

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In 2009 my father died of cancer. There were so many things I wanted to talk to him about. But before I knew it – it was too late. He was gone and I was left with my many questions and my grief. I decided to write a letter to my father a few years after his death and imagined a conversation I would have with him if I met him somewhere between this world and the next.

We always wait. And then we move on. If you have something to tell someone – then do it now. Tomorrow it might be too late.

The vision

I am my own worst enemy. I am too good to be true and still a pain in the ass. I wonder if you ever saw the resemblance – maybe you did and got scared. They say we are afraid of the reflection we see in the people we dislike – most of the time we don’t know we see the reflection or maybe we chose not to.

I want to ask you a million questions now but I can’t and I find that unfair because it means that I have to find the answers myself. Now, that it is too late, I desperately seek the answers to every part of my soul – and I have difficulties finding out where to begin – there are many places I have yet to explore.

So as I stand on the edge of eternity and look out towards the sea with you by my side I am speechless. Your presence makes me numb. I find that it is not questions about my mere existence that escapes from the black holes in my mind but much more settled questions like; why did you leave me? I know, that not even you can answer that question.

I touch your shoulder and you look at me and I see from the look in your eyes that some questions are not meant to be answered but simply accepted. How do I learn to accept, then? Silence.  I dig deep into my soul but it is pitch black and I only hear the sea and seagulls high in the sky.

Because here we are – God gave me the chance of seeing you again while I am still amongst the mortals – but he did not give me any instructions as what to do with this visit and now I am lost. I found you here on this deserted beach with no-one around – you were waiting for me….for how long have you been waiting….?

We stand in silence waiting and I ask you the question: Why am I my own worst enemy? You smile and look out at the sea. I wait – forever it seems – maybe eternity really is an eternity. And then you speak for the first time – the sound of your voice makes my heart crumble and for a second it feels like I will burst into tears.

Are you really your own worst enemy?, you say.

What do you mean?, I ask.

You are fighting very strong forces when you are fighting yourself and you will never win. You are not only fighting yourself, you are fighting the entire universe and the path which has been created especially for you. It would be like you fighting a waterfall with your bare hands – you could be strong and fight the water to the best of your abilities but you would never beat it – you would never be able to destroy its path or beat its force – you would exhaust yourself and die unhappy.

Stop the fighting and glide with the water instead – it will take you places you have never been to or seen and it will teach you much stronger lessons than if you kept fighting its existence.

Each waterfall is unique – and so are you.

I raise my head to look at you. You are still smiling and I feel warm and happy – everything is peaceful and I feel liberated from the thick fog which has been surrounding me for a very long time.

You must go now, you say, it is time. I don’t want to go – I want to stay here with you because now my liberation has released a million more questions. But I know that I have to find the answers to those questions myself.

You hug me and send me on my way like you did on my first day of school. I start walking along the beach and turn to wave at you but you are gone – there is nothing there but your footprints in the sand. I turn and see the sun – my visit is over.

I leave my enemy behind and glide with the water.

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